Eleven years ago I read a story that changed my life forever, for the better. It’s a story about liberation and it rocked me to my core.

My family and I are getting ready to go to Lake Tahoe for vacation. Note to self - don’t bring a dead man home with me this time. Let me explain.

I reached out to a prospective client the other day only to have them reply with a simple “no thank you”. In that moment, while reading their reply, I felt rejected.

My wife and I are in the process of buying our first house. We’ve looked at a lot of places together but when we walked into what will soon be our new home (fingers crossed) something felt magical and I immediately grabbed my wife’s hand.

Two days later we were in escrow. Talk about a big leap!

I work with a lot of people that want to create change in their life and I’ve noticed one key thing - A lot of people try to carry their past into their future. In other words, people try to create their ideal future with the tools from their past. To me that’s like going to the hardware store and trying to buy milk.

I lived in the shadows for as long as I can remember. Hiding out. Living a life I didn’t want to live anymore. Specifically, working different jobs that didn’t feed my soul. I worked hard for 20 years to make other people’s dreams come true. Not my own.

A part of me wants to eat all the junk food right now. It wants to binge watch TV, sleep in, and not workout. It wants to compare myself to others and then shame myself for not having what they have. This is the part of me that wants to hide in my fear and stay right where I am.

I want to talk to you about seeing the forrest through the trees. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the details of a problem that we forget to look at the situation as a whole. We can’t see the forest because we are stuck in the trees.

If you’re anything like me you’ve been glued to your phone this past week, mesmerized by what’s going on in the world. I’ve been swiping right (to get to the news) forty to fifty times per day, probably more, and it’s been making me crazy.

I was recently asked to write a one-page business plan for a project I wanted to be a part of.  Problem is I had never written a one-page business plan before.  What if I get it wrong?  Will they think I’m a fraud?  As I sat at my desk paralyzed with fear I immediately resented being asked to do it.  

There are two mindsets we can all have: Owner and Victim.

An Owner is someone who takes responsibility for their life.  They use language like- You can count on it.  How can I use this?  If there’s a problem, I’m the problem.  An Owner believes that life happens for them, not to them.

A Victim is the opposite.  They use language like -Why does this always happen to me? Life is so unfair.  Who can I blame?  A Victim believes that life happens to them and because of this, they get weighed down when something bad happens.

I jokingly told a friend the other day that I miss the intensity of a new relationship.  “I hate vanilla” I told him.  

I don’t really hate vanilla.  It’s just that vanilla is really hard.  

The last nine years of my life have been incredible, exhausting, and completely exhilarating. 

On October 20th, 2010 I hit what I call my rock bottom.  I was broken, scared(of everything), and alone.  And I hated being alone.  

I’ve done a lot of writing centered around my childhood trauma, specifically around the terrible things that my father did to me when I was a little boy.  As I continue to break away from my old story, and really remember who I am, I want to share with you a wonderful gift that my father and I gave each other along the way.

I recently told my therapist that I’m not a huge fan of my job.  I said I’m a forty five year old man and I should be making more money. 

“How would you do that?” my therapist asked.  

I haven’t been making time to write and it’s been weighing heavily on me.  Like a lot.  

Specifically, it’s been more than three months since my last newsletter.  Oh sure I’ve had a lot going on but in my mind three months is too long and with each passing week my thoughts have gotten more convincing… you’re disappointed with me. 

I’ve been stressed about money before but its always been a perception not a reality.  Reality right now for me and my family is that we’ve been dealing with money issues.  Real ones and it’s triggering my scarcity mentality that lurks in the shadows which is a result of my childhood trauma.

The other day I found broken taillight glass next to my wife’s car.  At first I thought nothing of it but upon closer inspection I noticed that the person that parks next to my wife sideswiped her car while backing out of their spot.  I looked for a note on our windshield admitting fault but there was nothing there.  I was pissed.

When I was six years old someone tried to kidnap me.  She showed up at my school with a handwritten note saying that my mom’s boyfriend (who was with her prior to her death and is a very well know celebrity) had sent her there to pick me up and she was suppose to take me to him.  

When my wife and I first started dating I had a really rough night.  She was at a girlfriends house texting me throughout the evening when all of the sudden her text messages stopped.  At first I thought it was no big deal but after an hour or so of no contact I had a head full of worries.