Earlier this year I was the unhappiest I had ever been. I had created a life of external conditions and unbeknownst to me they were limiting my ability to be happy - on the inside.
My happiness was based on “ifs” and “whens”.
For example, I told myself that if I made six figures I’d be happy. Or when my wife loaded the dishwasher a certain way then I’d be happy. Stuff like that.
My happiness was conditional on other people’s behavior and as such I tried to control things that were 100% out of my control. My best thinking told me this was the way to happiness.
I remember telling my coach about it. That my happiness, or lack thereof, had always been an external game.
She reminded me that my language and listening creates the world around me and she pointed out that I had a habit of looking for things that were wrong or not working. She said that I made myself unhappy before something or someone else could and that my unhappiness was stopping the good stuff from coming in.
She wasn’t wrong. This pattern had roots.
As a child I learned that punishment was always right around the corner. It was unavoidable and there was nothing I could do to get out of it so it made sense that this was my mindset. It’s what I learned.
As long as I’m negative nothing can hurt me because I’ve already determined what’s wrong. Hence there’s no surprises. So I’m “safe”. I’m in control if I’m complaining or unhappy about something.
Real happiness means I’m good with me now, regardless of what happens on the outside. Regardless if my wife and I have an argument or if a client doesn’t want to continue with me.
My journey was to wake up from the illusion that happiness is outside of the present moment. It was time.
Take a look at the below:
HAPPINESSISNOWHERE
How did you read that line of letters?
Happiness is no where? Or… Happiness is now here?
What you see above is entirely based on your perception.
With the help of my coach I began to see happiness differently. I created a road map, a practice if you will, for letting in the good stuff and it changed me in the best of ways.
I started with baby steps, setting a daily alarm on my phone with a simple question – what’s one good thing I’m willing to acknowledge about myself today? Each day I intentionally slowed down with this question and let something good about myself in.
When life went well, I let the good stuff in. When life had challenges, because life is always going to have challenges, I still let the good stuff in and I found the gifts in the challenges. It became my practice.
After a couple of months life was happening for me, not to me. And it made me stronger.
Letting in the good stuff is linked to changing our happiness. To changing our frame to – I’m a happy person. Period. No “ifs” or “whens”.
I made a decision that day to be happy for the rest of my life. No matter what. It was my choice.
Can you identify any happiness “ifs” and “whens” that are running in your world right now? If the answer is yes, can you cultivate a practice of developing happiness instead?
Life is going to happen. Life does happen. What you are seeing and how you are being with yourself when these things happen is key.
Are you going to spiral out of control or learn from it and let it go? Is your happiness nowhere or always here now?
No one can ever take away your ability to choose. You were not put on earth to suffer.
Today I choose to be happy. How about you?
Love,
Zachary