I was a guest on the Commitment Phobe podcast last year which is hosted by wonderful human being – Tanai Milgram. We had a great conversation during the recording and I left feeling really good about showing up and being of service by sharing my story.
But when I listened to the recording, I immediately judged myself. There were a couple of times during the course of the recording where I was asked one thing, and I went off on a completely different tangent, not even answering the host’s question.
I sat there listening to the recording and judged myself because I assumed others would do the same. I assumed others would think I didn’t sound good enough and wonder why I answered questions the way I did.
When I slowed down to be with the deeper reason behind all of this I was reminded of my old operating system which used to think that looking good and sounding good = love. In my mind this recording = me NOT sounding good, which really = no love.
I was a hot mess to say the least. And that’s the thing - our egos loves to suffer an punish ourselves.
To criticize and doom ourselves. It’s almost like we are addicted to pain and we keep the cycle alive daily with things like this.
The solution? In simplest terms, the less power you give this pattern, the less control it will have over you.
Because here’s the thing – we usually don’t just judge ourselves. No, we take it to a whole other level and judge ourselves for judging ourselves. That’s A+ student work right there for you.
And that’s sneaky voice you have to be careful of. The part of you that says you are wrong for judging. That you shouldn’t do that. Stuff like that.
So for me, whether it was before or after the recording, judgment was influencing how I showed up. And it was through that lens that I filtered through all of those moments.
The filter of judgement makes you find ways that you are failing, no matter what. I could’ve recorded the podcast perfectly but if the filter was ‘I’m not enough’ I’m going to find that however I can.
Instead, what if we could just be with our judgements, see that they are there, and then have a lot of compassion? Example, sharing my story was a really vulnerable thing to do. And I did it. And it was messy and that’s ok.
So what if I just gave myself permission to be upset and leave it at that? The podcast was exactly as it was supposed to be and it will help someone if it’s supposed to help someone. And… I’m allowed to be upset and wish it was different.
Example: I can be bummed out that I didn’t answer questions differently and that’s okay. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow and have a full experience.
I was looking at it as ‘Wow this sucks and I’m not going to get a standing applause from the audience’. But if I look at it through a different lens, a full experience lens and being responsible for my life, that’s a whole different way of being.
Could I have done better? Yes.
Did I still get a chance to show up, tell my story, and help other people? Yes. That’s a full experience.
Several weeks later Tanai reached out to me and said that a listener of the show emailed her to say that my story really touched them and helped them reach out to their father, whom they hadn’t talked to in a long time. That was amazing to hear.
And if I set my filter to “My story helps people” I know I’ll find evidence for that.
What filter are you going to choose today?
Love,
Zak
PS ~ You can hear the recording here.