The other morning I received my twentieth “no” for a group coaching program I’m launching later this month. The first couple of “no’s” were no big deal but come the twentieth one I started to internalize things a little more.
As I wrote about a couple of months ago, the word NO used to mean rejection to me. If a customer at my old day job said no to buying something from me, I used to take it personally as if I did something wrong. If a girl I was interested in didn’t like me back I took it to mean there was something wrong with me, aka, rejection.
I reached out to my coach and shared what was going on with me – that I was in fear and wanted to give up because “nobody” wanted to join my group. My childhood wounds were getting touched upon and I was going down the familiar rabbit hole of rejection.
This alone was a win.
By reaching out to her, I was interrupting a pattern of what I used to do with a ‘no’ which was to make it mean rejection, aka, my conditioning with how to cope with things when I didn’t get what I wanted on the timeline I wanted.
This was significant because old patterns like these can rob me of joy and happiness in life. By interrupting them, even if for a moment, I was choosing to take a different path and show myself a different way of being. By reaching out to my coach, change was in process.
This is something you can do too.
My coach encouraged me to slow things down and ask myself – what’s really occurring here? I was getting ‘no’s’ for my group and I could look at it in one of two ways. Is this happening to me or for me?
Oftentimes when dealing with past conditioning I go to a default place of – it’s happening TO me. Instead, rather, I’ve learned to ask myself how is this happening FOR me and what is there for me to learn?
Slowing down with this question can transform a ‘no’ into a growth inducing experience. Meaning, the gift is in there if I’m willing to put my copping mechanism to the side and look at it through a different perspective.
This is where I find my freedom and in my freedom is where I return to the truth of who I really am. This is a way forward – a way to get back on track.
So how were the ‘no's’ I was receiving happening FOR me? I came up with five examples:
1) They were showing me where there was/is room for personal growth
2) Every NO was an opportunity to rewrite my old rejection story
3) If someone says NO then they might not be a good fit for the group
4) A 'no' is making room for a YES
5) It's a chance to deepen my relationship with myself(in a good way)
Bottom line, every NO is a gift. The more I can see it that way, the less they will sting and the less time they will take me off the court of life.
It’s progress and in my opinion, a way of self-loving and self-honoring. And at the core, this is how change occurs.
Doing this kind of work is a fantastic demonstration of commitment to your personal growth and happiness. We can either be committed to growth or we can go down the familiar rabbit hole and suffer.
I heard a story the other day about a woman who was taking extra shifts at her retail job just to stay busy and avoid working on her resume and job search for her real dream job. The reason why – she was afraid of rejection.
The point being, everyone experiences this in some way, shape or form. For me, it’s filling my group. For others it might be dating or family stuff.
My question to you is - where are the ‘NO’s’ that you are avoiding in your life to your own detriment? What is the ‘NO’ you are afraid to receive in your life? And if you receive a ‘NO’ how is it happening FOR you? Ok that was three questions.
Byron Katie said “You can have anything you want in life…if you’re willing to hear ‘no’ 1,000 times.”
You mean I don’t have to stop after 20 and completely fall apart? This is good to know. Guess I have 980 more to go.
How many more for you?
With Loving,
Zachary