This article was first published on gratitudeandtrust.com. You can view it here as well.
----------------------------
Master manipulator at your service. Oh. You don’t need to be manipulated? Okay. How about a liar? I’m a real good liar. Don’t need one of those either? Hmm. I know. How about a victim? I can play that role with the best of them. Wow really? Not that either. I thought for sure you’d want a victim. What do you want? Excuse me? You want me to just be me? Yeah that might be a problem.
Who am I? I’m Zachary and I wear a mask. “Hi Zachary.” Hi everyone. Yep. I’m a mask wearer. Have been for the better part of my life. Keeps me safe and protected. Also gets my needs met. Yep me and my mask have been the best of pals.
All kidding aside I can’t remember ever putting my mask on. But it’s there. As much a part of me as I am it. It’s protected me when I’ve been kicked out of the car in middle school as to not let the other kids see my pain. It’s helped me control certain situations so nobody could blame me. It’s lied for me so I don’t hurt someone else’s feelings. We sure have been through a lot together.
The other day I shared that I’m a manipulator and a liar. To name a few.
My girlfriend was quick to point out that I’m none of those things. I may use manipulation to survive. To get my needs met. But I’m not a manipulator. It’s just a cover. A mask.
Well this might sound crazy to some of you but I don’t want to wear a cover anymore. So I have an announcement that I’d like to make.
Attention everyone. Attention….
None of this serves me anymore. This has been my whole life strategy and it’s time to give it up. To turn it over. I’m done with it. Well done with it one day at a time but done non the less.
I want to just be me. No control no manipulation no lying no assumption no people pleasing no being a victim etc etc etc. It’s time to take off the proverbial mask and be okay with the man in the mirror.
Albert Einstein said “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Boy can I relate. I’ve done the same thing day in and day out my whole life. Lied to get my needs meet. Manipulated to control. Charmed to gain attention. But in the end I always ended up right back where I started. In pain. In pain and afraid of rejection. Sounds insane to me.
I woke up each day expecting to get different results but never did. Day in and day out it was always the same. My whole life strategy of survival. But if I just yell at the driver in front me loud enough maybe it’ll never happen again. Or if I keep lying to myself and other people maybe one day I’ll believe it to be true. Nope. Same stuff different day. Insanity.
Bottom line. My mask doesn’t help. If anything it keeps me from personal growth and makes me insane. At least for the sake of this article. Definitely not what I want at this stage of my life. No I think it’s time to get a little quiet and just sit with my feelings. To surrender one day at a time my whole life strategy. It’s not going to be easy. In fact I think I’ll need some help.
God….
Please restore me to sanity.