My family and I are getting ready to go to Lake Tahoe for vacation. Note to self - don’t bring a dead man home with me this time. Let me explain.
Seven years ago I was in Lake Tahoe for the very first time. On our last day there we hiked up to Angora Lake which is somewhat off the beaten path. You have to take service roads to get there. That kind of place.
Talk about stunning. Not a huge lake but big enough for paddle boarding, rock diving and swimming to name a few. And if that’s not enough they have fresh squeezed lemonade. Yum!
Sadly, a man died there that day. He was pulled out from the bottom of the lake and brought to shore ten feet away from us. He was forty two years old and a father of four.
When we were leaving I saw his kids. The youngest ones were playing and had no clue what had just happened. They had been shielded from the tragic event by a family member.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I sat down and cried.
When my mom died, I too was shielded. I too had no idea what had happened to my loving parent. One minute she was there, the next she was gone.
I came home from the trip and shared with my mentor about the man that drowned and how it affected me. I was so sad, crying through the entire story.
“What was good about the trip?” he asked me. Glad he asked. I told him I had kept a list of all the negative and positive experiences from the week.
“Were the negatives first on your list or were the positives first?” he asked. I told him the negatives.
“Zach, you’re addicted to drama” he said. “I’d really like you think about focusing on the positives” he continued. “Because I heard in your share that you brought home a dead man from your vacation.”
Argh. He was right. “Zach, you’re entitle to the good stuff” he said.
He then asked me to tell him one good thing about my vacation. I told him we ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches under the stars by candlelight during a power outage.
“I want to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches under the stars by candlelight!” he excitingly repeated back.
I get it. At that point in my life I had a negative thinking pattern. Things were either black or white or all or nothing with me. I catastrophized things.
A lot of us with relational trauma do this, holding onto just the negative. Poor me. Oh this. Oh that.
Our brains are so used to all or nothing. Black or white. If it’s not good it’s bad. If it’s not bad its good. Instead of, it is what it is.
Today life for me is about holding more than one thing at a time. I brought home awful from that trip rather than, wow a lot happened. The death was painful and strange but so much more happened. A full experience that’s what.
That’s a whole paradigm shift. To be able to carry all of it. Pain, discomfort, joy, gratitude. If you can learn to do this then you’re looking at some serious inner zen mastery.
We are wired as a species to notice the bad stuff. Watch out for that car! There’s a snake over there so be careful!
That’s how we survive. Pepper in a little relational trauma and you get stories like the one above where I was stuck in a negative thinking pattern.
Those of us that have suffered childhood trauma get to re wire ourselves to notice the bigger picture(if we choose). Don’t just notice the beautiful flower. Stop and smell the roses! Take them in. Enjoy them. Let the experience cultivate a sense of joy in your body. That’s the work!
Here’s the full experience recap from that trip. I got to paddle board for the first time ever. Fun!
We went for a bike ride along the lake stopping at various beaches and taking in the beautiful views. Fun again!
We hiked up to a beautiful lake and had a picnic. It was amazing.
I had the biggest single scoop of ice cream I’ve ever had. Yum!
There was a power outage, someone unfortunately passed away and a bunch of other wonderful stuff in between. That’s the full experience. That’s reality.
Be a lover of what is.
Love,
Zachary