Have you ever felt really good one minute and then completely horrible about yourself the next? For example, I was recently working on an article that I felt really good about when all of sudden, out of nowhere, I thought it was the worst thing ever.
I was writing about my childhood and how I learned how to cope with difficult emotions at a young age. Better put, how I found a way to avoid painful emotions at a young age.
It all started when I found a stack of my dad’s Playboy magazines when I was nine years old. In an instant, I was launched into a world of fantasy and in the process taken out of my painful childhood reality. Trust me when I tell you, it was the mother of all pacifiers.
So there I was, typing away about childhood coping mechanisms, when it happened. Seriously, it felt like I was attacked.
The perp? My shitty life partner, toxic shame. And it went something like this.
Toxic Shame:
This post is the worst f’ing thing you’ve ever written. Seriously, it sucks. You’re not a writer nor will you ever be one. Don’t even think about posting this.
It was a sucker punch that knocked me on my ass and brought my writing to a screeching halt. The article that I was feeling good about was suddenly sounding like a piece of you know what.
It’s ironic, really. Here I was talking about learning to numb my feelings with the intent of offering a solution and that’s exactly what toxic shame made me want to do in that moment – numb the fuck out!
So I grabbed my phone and checked my favorite sports app. It was a temporary fix for escaping my thoughts and feelings in that moment. Just like I learned to do when I was a kid.
And that’s what toxic shame does. It brings us feelings of being flawed and defective. It tells us we’re ugly, stupid and inferior to others.
It makes us feel different – like something is wrong with us. It makes us feel hopeless - like there's no way out.
The pain is so intense that we try and cover it up with things like television, sugar, scrolling or pornography to name a few. We numb out to not feel it and in the process become a false self.
Truth is, many of us hit “road blocks” when we expand our lives. It happens when we start new jobs or new relationships. Or when we try something new or decide to leave something that no longer works for us.
It’s a taboo subject that I want to breathe life into because I know first-hand how crippling thoughts can derail us in a blink of the eye. I want to give all of us permission to talk about this stuff.
The solution? Contrary action. Or else you’re just putting a band-aid on something that will never heal.
Overcoming toxic shame requires you to do four things:
Become attuned to your inner dialogue but not react to it. Don’t reach for your usual go-to coping mechanism. Become an observer instead. Pay attention to your thoughts rather than running from them.
Develop greater inner compassion with yourself when you recognize the desire to numb out. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and have flaws. Accepting this, while shinning the healing light of self-compassion on yourself, will radically serve you.
Sit with your pain. Sitting with our feelings of low self-worth instead of reaching for something to numb them, allows us to let what needs to come up and out – up and out. It allows us to mourn what needs to be mourned so we can move beyond it.
Lastly, forgiveness. When we can forgive ourselves for our thoughts, feelings and actions we create space for new. Contrary, when we allow toxic shame to tell us we are flawed, unsuccessful or broken, we keep the pattern alive.
If this resonates with you, and you’re open to sharing about it, email me.
Sending love,
Zak