There are two mindsets we can all have: Owner and Victim.
An Owner is someone who takes responsibility for their life. They use language like- You can count on it. How can I use this? If there’s a problem, I’m the problem. An Owner believes that life happens for them, not to them.
A Victim is the opposite. They use language like -Why does this always happen to me? Life is so unfair. Who can I blame? A Victim believes that life happens to them and because of this, they get weighed down when something bad happens.
We all have the ability to choose which mindset we want in our life, and we can also all play a victim from time to time. In fact I just played one the other day when I had a run in with one of our neighbors.
Our neighbor rescues kittens. She spays and neuters them, gets their shots taken care of, and finds them a home. I asked her if she has any recommendations on how we can go about finding a home for our cat because we are thinking about moving and this would make things easier for us.
Before I could finish my sentence she interrupted. “If you take her to a shelter, she’ll get put down.”
I told her that wasn’t what I asked and that I would appreciate any and all guidance she could offer on finding her a good home. “Just find yourself a place to live that accepts cats” was her immediate response.
My frustration level was rising which meant I probably should’ve thanked her for her time and moved on, but I can be stubborn sometimes. I wanted to be seen and heard.
I told her again that we were looking to find her a new home. A good home. To which she replied, “You might as well take her to your own vet and put her down because that is what’s going to happen at the shelter. Pets are for life. Don’t take her to a shelter”. Then she turned and walked away.
What the…She didn’t hear a word I said. I was pissed.
I went into our apartment and told my wife what had happened. I wanted someone to be on my side. To be angry like I was angry. No such luck.
In the middle of telling my story my wife cut me off. “That sounds very victimy of you” she said. Ouch. I wasn’t expecting that kind of response but then again a Victim wants someone to see things their way, to be on their side, so I kept telling her my story.
My wife cut me off again. “I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to recruit me. You want me to be on your side. I love you, but I’m not available for this kind of conversation right now.”
This didn't help the situation. It compounded it.
I was pissed at my neighbor and upset at my wife for not taking my side. I was a little boy trapped in a grown man’s body, and I started plotting my revenge against my wife.
I’ll show her. Next time she needs me for something, I’m going to shut her down and see how she likes it. Like I said, little boy.
I share this story with you because we can all get like this from time to time. We can all play the roll of the Victim. It's what we do to get out of it that's important. The sooner you take ownership the sooner the craziness ends.
In these moments I have to be aware of who's driving the bus. Is it the healthy functional adult owner Zachary or the scared inner child victim Zachary? I love my inner child but when he drives the bus, he takes us straight to crazy town.
As an Owner I can remind little Zachary that everything is okay. I can tell him that he is perfect just the way he is regardless of someone else’s behavior. And then I can go to my wife; in a healthy way; and tell her I had a challenging run in with our neighbor, and that I could use a hug. That’s me sharing a piece of my inner self in an appropriate way. That’s me being an Owner.
Remember, an Owner says- If there’s a problem, I’m the problem. How can I use this in a healthy way?
Let’s be clear about something. This was 100% on me. My wife was right and she called me on it. I was being victimy and I’m choosing to learn from it. You can’t pour vinegar and get water.
An Owner takes full responsibility for their life including their reactions to other people. A Victim blames everyone around them just as I was blaming our neighbor and my wife.
I didn’t take care of myself in the moment and that’s okay. It’s about progress not perfection. As an Owner I believe that life is always happening for me, and that each incident-good or bad-is shaping me into the person I am meant to become.
So I’m curious. Does life happen To, or For you?
Love,
Zachary