I was recently asked to write a one-page business plan for a project I wanted to be a part of. Problem is I had never written a one-page business plan before. What if I get it wrong? Will they think I’m a fraud? As I sat at my desk paralyzed with fear I immediately resented being asked to do it.
I told my wife about the project and she said a one-page plan would be easy and she would be happy to help me. Whew. I felt better already.
You see I didn’t hear I’ll help you. I heard I’ll do it for you. And that was an old pattern of mine.
When I kid I asked my dad for help with my homework all the time. He’d try and help me but more often than not he would lose his cool, yell at me, and then do the work for me. It was painful but I got use to it. I turned in a number of school projects that way.
Like most of us I took what I learned in childhood out into the world as an adult and perfected it. Any time I would come up against something new that I didn’t know how to do I would freeze and then would I ask someone for help because that was my normal response.
I’m not saying that asking for help is a bad thing. Not at all. I’m talking about how we show up when we ask for help. Are we showing up as an adult or are we showing up as a little child? In this particular situation, my wife showed up to help me and found a little boy wanting someone else to do the work for them.
I showed up needy and I’m sure that energy came out. An unconscious childlike part of me that was making my wife responsible for the work I was asked to do.
Let’s just say the final outcome wasn’t pretty because of what I brought to the table, which was nothing. I didn’t even try to write a rough draft on my own.
This happens sometimes. We show up as an adult and talk a good talk but it’s really just a little boy(or girl) in an overgrown suit. It’s the perfect example of insanity. We do the same thing over and over again expecting deferent results.
What if we reverse engineer the situation ahead of time. My job in these moments before I even ask for help is to pause and start at the end and work my way backwards, seeing how it will all play out.
Okay I’ve seen this before. I know how this will end if I show up as a little boy in an overgrown suit.
Then I can take appropriate action as a functional adult. I can show up vulnerably and put together a rough draft. I can try it on my own first and then ask for help. That’s a much healthier way of handling something.
I need to not go to my wife for help until I can go to her differently. If I keep going to her and getting the same thing it’s because I keep taking the same thing to her.
We all have a magic crystal ball within us. We know exactly how we are going to behave in a certain situation. Go all the way to the end and remember what usually happens. I’m a victim that feels unsupported. Then reverse engineer it and show up differently.
Slow down ahead of time. Pause. Sit and meditate. Breath. Then be vulnerable and show up as an adult that might be having emotions. That’s a much healthier way of handling something. Without that, we’re just little kids going into something bracing for the other person’s reaction.
So….
Is there an area in your life that you can use your crystal ball, reverse engineer the process, and show up differently? Let me know. I’d love to hear about it.
Love,
Zachary