Do you manage your outer life to make you feel better on the inside? Let me give you an example of what this looks like.
I have always hated my curly, ginger-red hair. Growing up it was different from everyone else’s, and “different” in my mind was a bad thing. I thought if I was different, then you might not like me and if you didn’t like me that meant I was rejected.
Honestly, this feeling felt so overwhelming to me that I started buzzing my hair off when I was nine years old. I was desperate to not feel the feelings that came with rejection.
As I got older, I tried growing it out again but my fear of rejection was still running the show. Plus, taming it was damn near impossible and always overwhelmed me.
A bad hair day could affect my mood instantaneously, and it often did. So, I started buzzing it off again.
Come to think of it, I tried to manage every outer area of my adult life to make me feel better on the inside. I walked around worrying about wearing the right clothes, saying the right things in front of other people and looking good, my hair included, at all costs.
It was my way of being and I constantly adjusted my outer world to meet our inner needs. To protect me.
We humans play this game all the time. We try to manage our feelings through acts of busyness, distraction, food, alcohol, work, our hair, wearing the right outfits, perfectionism and so much more. We use something outside of us as a protective shield in order for us to feel better – on the inside.
The problem when we do this is that rejection (or fear of loneliness or something else that you can fill in the blank with here) then runs our entire life. When we spend our life trying to avoid something it means that it’s always right behind us – one step away.
That’s what I was doing with my hair. I was trying to avoid a situation that I thought would cause me pain.
What I’ve realized is that real help only comes when we go within and meet what’s going on inside of us. As soon as I courageously turned toward my fear of rejection, my patterns shifted.
Doing this wasn’t easy. I shed a lot of tears alongside my coach and mentor and with their help I developed a practice of self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. They helped me come up with ways to get in better touch with myself such as: spending time with the cast of characters inside of me, having more vulnerable conversations with my dear ones, free form writing, being fully present, listening deeply, being curious and more.
Everything in my life turned around (for the better) when I invested in myself in this positive way. Imagine what your life could be like if you weren’t busy like I was. You’d be 100% free to live whatever life you wanted to live.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to look at all the ways you try to manage your outer life to meet your inner needs by asking yourself the following question – Where am I managing my fears and feelings?
This will help you get to the root cause. From there it’s up to you - stay in your comfort zone or expand it? Just this simple exercise of slowing down will help support you in the opposite way of thinking.
Love,
Zachary
PS ~ I’ve designed, created and curated a transformational program to help support people in these sorts of patterns of behaviors. What’s possible when someone comes along side of you on this journey is nothing short of life changing. Message me if you want to know more.