I recently had a surprising experience with someone I've always gotten along with. While we’re not close, we’ve shared good times with a mutual friend. So when I reached out to ask how our friend was doing – knowing they were going through a tough time – I didn’t expect it to lead to what happened next.
We were texting casually when, out of nowhere, they told me they didn’t want to talk anymore and that I should never contact them again. They accused me of having “horrible boundaries.”
It came completely out of the blue, and I was left reeling, wondering what I had done wrong. I spent the rest of the day spinning out of control.
I'm the type of person who can go to a party with a hundred people and, if one doesn’t like me, I’ll spend the entire time obsessing over what I did to upset them. It’s a pattern from my childhood that gets triggered in situations like this – anxious over small things that might be meaningless to others but feel massive to me.
Here I am, nearly two weeks later, still confused and overthinking the situation. I’ve had countless imaginary conversations with this person, trying to figure out what went wrong. It’s exhausting, and I find myself worrying if our mutual friend is upset with me too.
The truth is, I’m giving this too much power. These worries are taking up space in my head – rent free. And I’ve realized that when my mind keeps replaying something over and over, it’s usually because something deeper needs attention.
When this happens I usually do a constant stream of thought journaling exercise that I learned a number of years ago. Through this exercise I can usually pin point the root cause of these intrusive thoughts and then let them go.
For me, the root of it all comes down to a fear of not being likeable or lovable. If I’m neither, then I’m alone – and that brings me back to childhood feelings of isolation and inadequacy. Being aware of this pattern is powerful. It allows me to take a pause before these thoughts spiral out of control.
Through this process, I practice mindfulness: acknowledging these intrusive thoughts, accepting them, and then letting them go. The more I do this, the easier it becomes to stay present, focusing on what’s real and in front of me instead of getting lost in imaginary conversations or unnecessary worry.
I’ve learned that when I start making other people my business – worrying about their thoughts and feelings beyond my control – it’s a signal that I need to pay attention to something inside of myself that’s not fully aligned. I’ve written before about the “check engine light” in a car, a signal that something needs maintenance. In this case, my “check engine light” is the fear of being unworthy or unloved.
As we head into 2025, I’m reflecting on where I might need to do some maintenance in my own life. What am I ignoring, and what’s holding me back from moving forward?
These are questions worth pondering if you give yourself the time. They can help you move from a passive state of feeling stuck to an active state of self-discovery and intentional action.
The choice is yours.
Sending love,
Zak