One in a Hundred: Overcoming the Fear of Being Disliked

I recently had a surprising experience with someone I've always gotten along with.  While we’re not close, we’ve shared good times with a mutual friend.  So when I reached out to ask how our friend was doing – knowing they were going through a tough time – I didn’t expect it to lead to what happened next. 

We were texting casually when, out of nowhere, they told me they didn’t want to talk anymore and that I should never contact them again.  They accused me of having “horrible boundaries.”

It came completely out of the blue, and I was left reeling, wondering what I had done wrong.  I spent the rest of the day spinning out of control.

I'm the type of person who can go to a party with a hundred people and, if one doesn’t like me, I’ll spend the entire time obsessing over what I did to upset them.  It’s a pattern from my childhood that gets triggered in situations like this – anxious over small things that might be meaningless to others but feel massive to me.

Here I am, nearly two weeks later, still confused and overthinking the situation.  I’ve had countless imaginary conversations with this person, trying to figure out what went wrong.  It’s exhausting, and I find myself worrying if our mutual friend is upset with me too. 

The truth is, I’m giving this too much power.  These worries are taking up space in my head – rent free.  And I’ve realized that when my mind keeps replaying something over and over, it’s usually because something deeper needs attention. 

When this happens I usually do a constant stream of thought journaling exercise that I learned a number of years ago.  Through this exercise I can usually pin point the root cause of these intrusive thoughts and then let them go. 

For me, the root of it all comes down to a fear of not being likeable or lovable.  If I’m neither, then I’m alone – and that brings me back to childhood feelings of isolation and inadequacy.  Being aware of this pattern is powerful.  It allows me to take a pause before these thoughts spiral out of control. 

Through this process, I practice mindfulness: acknowledging these intrusive thoughts, accepting them, and then letting them go.  The more I do this, the easier it becomes to stay present, focusing on what’s real and in front of me instead of getting lost in imaginary conversations or unnecessary worry. 

I’ve learned that when I start making other people my business – worrying about their thoughts and feelings beyond my control – it’s a signal that I need to pay attention to something inside of myself that’s not fully aligned.  I’ve written before about the “check engine light” in a car, a signal that something needs maintenance.  In this case, my “check engine light” is the fear of being unworthy or unloved.

As we head into 2025, I’m reflecting on where I might need to do some maintenance in my own life.  What am I ignoring, and what’s holding me back from moving forward?

These are questions worth pondering if you give yourself the time.  They can help you move from a passive state of feeling stuck to an active state of self-discovery and intentional action.

 The choice is yours.

 Sending love,

Zak