The other morning, I was in the kitchen making pancakes for my daughter, a tradition we’ve enjoyed every Saturday for the past five years. I love this ritual, and so does she!
While I cooked, she sat at the table watching a Disney movie called Lilo & Stitch, laughing and giggling. Suddenly, her laughter stopped, and when I turned to check on her, I saw tears streaming down her face. I knew immediately what was troubling her.
At that moment in the movie, Stitch was malfunctioning, causing him to believe he was "bad." It’s classic Disney to weave such complex themes into their stories.
My daughter, only seven, is navigating a tough reality: her parents have divorced, and the home she once knew is gone. I sensed that she might be thinking she was somehow to blame for this separation. Let me explain further.
When I was her age, my understanding of the world was self-centered. I thought:
Mom left. It must be because of me.
Dad is upset. There must be something wrong with me.
I realized my daughter might be wrestling with the same feelings. At her age, how can she possibly make sense of her parents' divorce? Are we still a family? Yes, but not in the way we used to be.
The movie ends with Stitch having an accident, and everyone rallying around him, expressing their love. Perhaps my daughter felt she needed to be hurt to have her needs recognized.
I remember feeling similarly when I was her age. I desperately wanted a new skateboard, just like all the other kids had. Feeling left out, I devised a plan to make my old skateboard seem dangerous. I ground my elbow into the concrete until it bled, hoping to convince my dad to buy me a new one. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.
I can’t help but wonder if my daughter is experiencing similar thoughts, believing she is at fault for our divorce.
That morning, I took the opportunity to hold her close and remind her that she did nothing wrong, that she is amazing just as she is, and that what happened between her mom and dad had nothing to do with her.
The lessons we learn in childhood often linger into adulthood. I spent years believing I was to blame, thinking I was "bad," just like Stitch. This belief became a part of me, much like a child clinging to the edge of a pool, trying to control the outcome.
But here’s the reality: when you hold on tight to thigs like this, you can never float. Instead, you’ll just keep sinking.
Letting go of false beliefs learned in childhood can be a transformative process. If you’re on that journey be gentle with yourself. Understand that it’s normal to hold onto these beliefs, but recognize that they don’t need to define you. Treat yourself with kindness as you work through this process, perhaps parenting yourself the way you wish you had been parented.
That’s a great place to start.
Love,
Zak