I’ve been feeling uncomfortably lonely lately. When I felt this way in the past, I would search for a woman to make me feel better about myself.
And that’s the dysmorphia of our minds, well, my mind at least. My mind says I’ll be whole and complete once I find “my person”.
In 2010 I realized that this pattern of behavior was no longer a healthy way of going about my life so I went on a two year hiatus from all things women. It was during this time that I started to scratch the surface of ME and who I really am for the first time ever.
What did I like? What did I not like? What was I in the mood for? What was I not in the mood for? Basic stuff like that.
Prior to that time I was the ever changing, ever morphing, chameleon. I liked what you liked. I loved what you loved.
For me, the person was the end goal. They were the one that was going to make me feel whole and complete.
I was convinced that once I got to the top of that mountain, I would feel better about myself and my loneliness would go away. Heaven forbid I say something to mess that up!
It usually worked but only for a short period of time. The validation I got from a woman made my loneliness and feelings of low self-worth disappear but only for a day or two.
So here I am, close to fourteen years later, recently divorced, and I’ve been feeling that same pull again. But why?
Years ago during the hiatus mentioned above, I took myself out on self-dates, made vision boards of things I wanted to do, and really fell into a healthy place of knowing myself and liking the person I saw in the mirror each day.
I developed healthy emotional intimacy with myself because I wasn’t trying to make my loneliness and pain go away with another person. Instead rather I learned to sit with my discomfort and feelings of low self-worth and feel comfortable in solitude. I learned that there was something going on under the surface that another person could never fix.
And that’s really the red-flag indicator for me right now.
Like I said, I’ve been feeling lonely. And if I’m being radically honest with you that loneliness really wants a woman to make it feel better.
Like a check engine light in your car, this is reminding me that there’s something deeper at play here. So what do I really need instead?
Honestly, a hug. A great big hug…from myself.
I need to be present for that part of myself that feels lost and alone. To love that side myself.
To remind him that everything is ok. That’s my job, not someone else’s.
So thank god for my 2010 hiatus. That time I took for myself allows me to see clearly when old patterns of behavior are trying to come to the forefront.
Loneliness doesn't go away overnight. It's a part of who we are. A part of the cast of characters that live inside each and every one of us.
Building a relationship with this part of us takes time. It's a process. I'm thinking a self-date would do me good.
Can you relate?
Maybe you’ve been telling yourself that you’ll be happy once you make X amount of dollars or you’ll be happy once you’re in partnership with someone or you’ll be happy once you get that status job. But my question to you is this – what’s underneath all of that?
I encourage you to sit with this question. Don’t just ask it and move on. Really sit with it.
Do you feel a need for something or someone outside of yourself to make me you feel better? Do you keep telling yourself you need some sort of validation to be whole and complete? If you are, maybe your check engine light is on too.
What’s underneath the surface level stuff? That’s the place to start.
Look there and that’s where you’ll find the magic. That’s where you’ll find yourself.
Happy Easter.
Love,
Zak