I lie.
Not all the time. Not even daily. But I do it to get my needs met when I need to.
Let me give you an example.
Years ago I met a girl on Match.com. Her pictures were great and our initial phone call was amazing, but when we met up for dinner I didn’t feel the same vibe that I felt on our call.
She was nice and all, but the chemistry I was looking for wasn’t there and I knew in my heart that I didn’t want to see her again. When we finished dinner she said “I had a wonderful time, we should go out again” and I replied without even skipping a beat “me too and yes, we should”.
In the blink of an eye I went from following my heart to lying to someone. What the heck?!
When I got home it was obvious to me. I lied to get my needs met.
You see, in my mind saying “it was nice to meet you but I’m not feeling the vibe” sounded horrible. Devastating even.
I lied because I thought it would hurt her and if she was hurt she might get upset with me. Oh heaven forbid someone gets angry at me. I lied because I’m a people pleaser and that ISM can be all consuming at times.
Tell the truth? Scary. Tell a lie? Much easier. Or so I thought.
I ended up dating this girl for a month because I was afraid to tell her how I really felt. A month! It was so painful.
I tried to avoid feeling horrible and that’s exactly what I got – feeling horrible! Ah the irony.
So yeah, I’ve lied.
I’ve lied to keep the peace and I’ve lied to sound like I’m on top of things.
I’ve lied to not hurt someone’s feelings and I’ve lied keep someone from getting angry at me.
It’s been second habit for most of my life – lies coming out of my mouth so quickly I don’t even have to think about them.
I’ve lied to friends, bosses and loved ones. I even lied in my failed marriage, tippy toeing around things, saying I was ok when I really wasn’t.
I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I’m tired. Lying has been slowly eating away at me most of my life and it keeps me in bondage.
Running from perceived conflict does nothing for my self-esteem, integrity, and anxiety. Why? Because I know what I’m doing. I’m manufacturing something for the best possible outcome with the least amount of friction so that my needs are met. It’s not out of integrity or because I’m a good guy. I’m lying to save my own ass.
When you’re a co-dependent like me, telling the truth can be painful. For those that know what I’m talking about, co-dependents are hyper sensitive, often sacrificing their own needs to focus on those of someone else’s. We are always concerned about pleasing others and thus walk on egg shells around other people.
But at what cost? For me, it feels like I’ve never been really whole or complete. Like a part of me is missing.
So I pray. Often for the willingness to be willing to tell the truth like I am with you right now. And to learn from things like the story above.
The first step in moving beyond something like this is the willingness to be open about it. To share with a friend, mentor, support group, coach, or therapist. And to practice rigorous honesty.
Once you stop you are going to feel so much better as a human being. I know I do.
Healthy people will still be in your life.
You’re going to be okay if you say no.
You’re going to be okay if someone gets angry with you.
And you’re going to feel better about yourself in the process.
Love,
Zak