Fifteen years ago the woman that I wanted more than anyone else in the world didn’t want me, and it hurt. I had offered her the best possible presentation of myself and she turned me down.
I had built her up to be some sort of savior; the perfect woman that would make everything better. It wasn’t the first time I had gone down that mental path with a woman, building something up and then being disappointed and crushed when my fantasy didn’t work out.
With my low feelings and self-hatred, I got on my laptop and started looking for another woman until my feelings subsided. I couldn’t handle the way I felt so I handled my feelings the only way I knew how – to numb them out. To pacify them.
This was how all disappointment ended. It was the only way I knew how.
I’m sharing this with you because this past year has been one of the most challenging years of my entire life. I went through a divorce, sold a home, moved back to Los Angeles and started a new job.
Friends that I thought were close friends still haven’t reached out to me to see how I’m doing. Family members are no longer family members. The woman I loved walked away from me. And my daughter is now only with me 50% of the time. The last time I felt this alone was, well, fifteen years ago.
The difference?
Instead of numbing out, I spent the last year leaning into tools I’ve learned over the past decade. I’ve reached out to my mentor, I’ve journaled, I’ve prayed, I’ve meditated (sometimes), I worked with a coach, and I felt my feelings when they wanted to come up and out.
I processed through this past year rather than running from it like I did in the story above and I’m a better person because of it. Is it a miracle? I think not.
There’s a saying in twelve step rooms – it works if you work it and you’re worth it!
I’ve leaned into and worked my “tools” this past year. Not only am I better off as a result, but my daughter is better off too. She gets to witness her dad having a full experience in life and that’s something I’m so proud to model for her.
When a new house gets built they don’t build it on a pile of sand. It’s built on a solid foundation and the same goes for your relationship with yourself. That’s where healthy emotional intimacy comes from – a solid foundation.
So let me ask you – are there cracks in your foundation? Do you turn to something to sooth yourself when things feel overwhelming?
Remember, awareness is the greatest agent for change so even just pausing and being aware of your patterns is a great place to start.
If you’re struggling with this, I’m here to listen if it would help. And if you already have a solid foundation in place, bravo, I’d love to hear about it!
Wishing you a fabulous day.
Love,
Zak